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- Benjamin Ho-phukr Disraeli This article is not a detailed guide to get laid, for that article click here. College girls…where to start? While not the freshest pork in the pigsty, the majority of these girls are still above the national average in terms of lean body weight, aesthetics and licentiousness. College is a time when young women are learning things that will help them succeed in life. Among these important collegiate skills are pretending to understand politics/sports, gossiping and learning to desensitize their gag reflex. Regardless of college girls' promiscuous tendencies, let no one fool you, this is the prime pussy gentleman. Let us take a look at the visual enhancement below to try to better understand this fact of life.
All the girls considered in the data for this graph were at least a 7 on the Erection Hardness Scale (EHS) therefore we can exclude Ogres of Stench and we can assume the Theory of Jailbaitivity holds true (While most girls look their age, there are unfortunatly alot of 21 year oldsthat look like 11 year olds and there are also a lot of 14 year olds that look like 21 year olds, you can see the Proof here). Examining the graph it is easy to see that the optimum age falls between the ages of 18 and 20 years old (19.7 to be exact), which is a demographic covering more than half of all college students. College girls fall into five main categories that can be separated further into three different Sex Appeal levels (derived from their EHS value). The categories are as follows: | ||||||||
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Less flamboyant than the ubiquitous pseudo-lesbo sluts you'll find making out at most parties and much uglier then their professional online lesbian-for-hire analogs, real college lesbians are simply not desirable. Typically very active in local college affiliated AIDS promotion programs such as Rainbow Alliance, College Democrats and Art Club, these lesbians are walking bio-hazards. Many college students mistakenly think that they have a low population of student lesbians because most student lesbians look like hairy lumberjacks. Although sometimes one might run into a pair of "bi-sexual" girls. These girls are simply heterosexual attention whores and are generally more attractive.
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Ironically, many of these elitist whores actually gain weight faster than non-Greek college girls because of the shear volume of high-calorie ethanol and semen they consume weekly. Sororities transform cute energetic young attention whores into jaded overweight grimy used cumdumpsters. Finally it should be noted that Soroitutes have an extremely high cohesion constant and are therefore notoriously difficult to divide and conquer (read fuck). You best bet is to have your wingmen distract the undesirables when you go in for the kill.
A interesting misconception is that Sorority girls, also known as “sisters”, do not get pregnant. The truth of the matter is that many do in fact become knocked up but the pregnancy is quickly terminated through a method affectionately known as the “Falcon Punch”. The Falcon Punch is performed by either a softball/rugby sister or a Frat boy with significant testicular fortitude. For detailed instructions regarding this termination technique check here. Although the Falcon Punch is a humane way to terminate an untimely pregnancy the FDA has yet to approve this method for beersluts everywhere.
The word intelligent is in quotes because, as most of us are aware, women are stupider than dogs. While possessing no actual critical or deductive thinking skills, these girls are great at memorizing academic material and flirting with college guys to the point of ball-busting anger. Over the years these girls have learned exactly how to control and manipulate the horny male psyche. Slavedrivers will never need to pay for a tutor or food because at the flick of a finger or flaunt of the breast these girls can have college minions lined up to help them. | |||||||||
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Not as rare as you would think, most colleges have a decent populations of virgins to offer. Unlike Sororities, virgins tend to move in smaller packs of three to four girls strong. You can discern most college girls as virgins immediately after exchanging a few sentences with them. A typical conversation with a college guy and a female virgin: Guy: So you were pretty wild out there on the dance floor grabing my balls and grinding on me. Even though I just met you can I get some head off you? Girl: Sure I'm soo wasted I'll suck you off and you can even fuck me anally if you want. Guy: Awesome, actually can we just have normal vaginal sex? Girl: Sorry I'm not a slut. Virgins are highly prized objects in college as, unlike most lying skanks, they are STD free which means you won’t wake up the next day wondering why your balls itch like a rusty chicken salad with fiberglass in it. |
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Despite supposedly coming to school to learn, "that girl" is there to get STDs and become pregnant so she can sell her syphilis infested bastard child to the black market to pay for the 100 grand in student loans she owes because she chose to major that begins with C and end with S (hint: not Cuntanomics). Little do most "that girl"s know that babies with syphilis go for just a little over a few bucks on the black market, still leaving them with staggering debt only cured by suicide or starting a porn site where they give blowjobs to Magi children with Down Syndrome while the Magi defecate on "that girl"'s nipples, since that is basically what all the sick fucks on the internet want to see.
These girls watch too much Sex & the City and often try to pass off their whorish acts as "experementing" and "finding out what I want in a man". "That girl" is pretty hot and you will be ignorantly proud of yourself when you first score with her at a local house/frat party. It won't be till next weekend when you see her at a different college party across the street making out with a random guy, that you'll start to question your standards. Soon you will start seeing 'that girl" at EVERY party you go to where there is alcohol, penises, farmyard animals or any mix of the three involved. The rest of your semester will be spent second guessing the sluttlyness of every hoe you hook up with as your body slowly succumbs to HIV.
During freshmen year female Engineers are typically only slightly uglier than the average girl college girl, falling in between a four and five on the EH scale. Unfortunately, much like having to take a gigantic shit on a public bus, the situation only gets worse with time. When the metamorphosis is complete it will have left most students unrecognizable. Starting with sophomore year these engineers gradually cease to wear make-up while adopting unisex-type clothing. Soon these girls begin to put off daily hygienic chores such as shaving and brushing teeth, as they tumble down the slippery slope known as cross occupation gender confusion.
Simply put these women are too busy with masculine engineering work to be attractive. By Junior year these girls, if you can call them that at this stage, are hairier than most janitor's ball sacks and smell like a combination of nacho cheese shitstains and asphalt. The low amount of ideal females found in most engineering programs in combination with the heavy man-sized workload, has led many male engineers to the brink of insanity. This is one of the main reasons male engineers are known to party the hardest among those on the collegiate level.
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 This level is made up of extremely cold magma. The majority of college girls and women in general fall into this level. Most Igneous has one or more of these negative traits, making them highly undesirable even when under the influence of most drugs. Common Igneous can be found on your college’s softball, basketball and field hockey teams. Copious amounts of Igneous can also be forund in any college's Engineering department.
 Magma encompasses 90%1 of the hot girls you will find at college. These girls have well shaped round assets and cute faces. Magma can be found at most non-lame parties and on the girls soccer, Lacrosse and volleyball teams.
 Every once in awhile you will see a girl that will make you turn your head, stare and possibly jizz yourself. These beauties belong in the Lava level. All girls in this tier could become models if they chose to do so, but most stick to Pre-Med, Law and Marketing. Lava is rare by definition but students have the best chances of finding it on the cheerleading team, at expensive bars and at theater classes.
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Finally I would like to introduce a flow chart that is designed to assist the average college student in his sexual endeavors (Here is a printable version). In the quagmire of underage drinking it's important to always know where you are and the direction you are headed.
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