"You're not wasting time when you're wasted all the time. "

Dear college bound students and anti-social uber-nerds who are already at college cowering under their desks sucking bigfoot's dick: college is about three things, Studying your ass off, drinking and drinking. It's these age old clash of polar opposites such as fire vs water, light vs dark, erect penis vs intact hymen and drinking vs studying, that drive sane men to the brink of insanity. The internal social struggle to drink versus the external parental pressure to study can often create a harsh ambivalent environment for thousands of college freshmen each school year, leaving them stuck between the two extrema.

Getting hammered on the weekends offers a brief escape from the stress of academia for students. As the school year progresses, the weekend mysteriously begins to elongate. Thirsty Thursday, Wasted Wednesday, and even Trashed Tuesday slither their way under dorm room doors during the night past slumbering students and find their way onto student’s calendars. These drunken days are full of much needed relaxation but, they are also full of academic fail. Alcohol is a mental diuretic that will encourage you to piss away anything you learned during the school week and it never felt better.

While these freshmen may be having too much fun their first year away from home there are just as many, if not more, students that would rather level up their character in the World of Warcraft than take the risk of walking outside of their dormitory. These students attend every class lecture and can often be seen running back to their dorms after class, to rip open their notebooks and start the newly assigned homework, with the same giddy enthusiasm as an hyper-active eight year old on Christmas morning. These freshmen would much rather watch the complete first season of Star Trek in the comfort of their own dormitory than go to a social event of any kind let alone a party where they might find a nice pair of human titties. These docile students are content with Romulan tits and the closest thing they know to social interaction is chatting with 15 year old girls in online chatrooms who in real life are 42 year old german transvestites with A.I.D.S.

There are many shades of grey between the two examples mentioned. The key, like many things in life such as cocaine, masturbation and Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies, lies in moderation and responsibility. If you eat cookies every day you will become a fat-ass. If you use cocaine everyday you will become a poor strungout shithead. Chronic masturbation will make you anti-social. We take a look at examples of both moderation and responsibility to better understand each trait.

Moderation is:

If you like helping out others by being a nice person and doing other people's work for them you need to learn to do this in MODERATION. By being someone's bitch everyday you let people slap you around like a 16 year old herpes infected hooker.

Responsibility is:

If you are lazy sack of shit and don’t do your fair share of work at the workplace the correct thing to do at meetings with the boss is claim RESPONSIBILITY for your coworker's hard-work before they have a chance to. Also make sure to act really nice and respectfull to your coworker’s faces so they won’t see it coming.

Luckily for you, the experts at Triple Star News have used complex mathematical algorithms to boil down moderation to a single piece-wise function below.

To use the graph above correctly, first calculate your productivity for the year (P). Then plug it into the G.P.A. function below to see your expected average G.P.A. for that year. Also note at most college you will get put on academic probation for earning a 2.0 or below which is why the graph is red at that section.

What works for many people is going out Friday and Saturday then studying your ass off Sunday. The workload between you and your fellow college friends can vary greatly depending on what your major is. If you are in engineering, a medical major or at law school expect to have to work you ass off much harder then, someone seeking a Communications or Psychology (or god forbid Art History) degree because they typically have a much smaller work load.

Also even if you don't drink, there are still many ways to avoid doing work including, Facebook, Dota, WoW, Guitar Hero, playing guitar, watching movies or Television, playing online flash games, lurking 4chan, playing Counter Strike, masturbating and excessive talking to other dorm-mates to name a few major productivity sinks. Many students learn to avoid these hypnotizing traps, that can literally steal hours away from you right under your nose. Leaving your dorm to do work is usually a good idea if you want to pass your courses.

Remember children, it's okay to drink. Drinking can help relax the mind and body before a looming exam. At the college I attend we have a staying, "Do Work!", that we shout out when we want someone to chug a large vat of intoxicating liquid or bone a fly honey. When I say saying, I really mean mantra because, it is more of a way of life, that encompasses both book and beer atmospheres. The mainstream saying for being hardcore in both academia and partying is, "Work hard, Party hard". So drink up and get some ass, because before long you will be chained down to a well paying but boring and time consuming professional job...well...don't drink too much and you will.